One day, too late, I'm in hell.

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One day, too late, I'm in hell.




Why the fuck do I bother? wrote:I don’t know what I’m going to write here, there’s no point to this post, no reasoning behind me posting it.

I just need to write… I need to put something down, anything that’ll help me escape this hell, help me escape my life.

Why?
The ultimate question by which I live my life, from when I could utter this tumultuous word I questioned everything… Why is the sky blue? Why do people do bad things? Why do I bad things? Why am I never enough? And the simplest of all… Why me?

I really don’t get why this is me, I don’t think I’ve done anything specifically wrong to anyone… I don’t know when I decided that it was my job to put the wicked back in their place… Some may call it self-righteousness but in all honesty I hate having to do it but I know this word, I know this world’s people and someone who commits evil will never get their comeuppance unless it’s orchestrated… The only problem is when I have no backing, when people see so much wrong and just stand idly by and let it be. There is NO God, there is no final judgement, that’s why I judge people, fuck them, what the hell do they deserve anyway? I could lie and act nice, say “omg, I just love everyone, everyone’s so cool and unique” but life isn’t like that, I hate everyone, everyone is out to fuck everyone else over and fuck everyone else up. They don’t realise it but isn’t that all that can come out of this life?

Even relationships, they’re always good… You’re so happy, you’re so free, it’s like nothing you’ve ever felt before. Then something always happens, it has to, it wouldn’t be life if it didn’t fuck up… Then I look around, so many happy people, people who rarely seem to have problems and always bitch about silly, stupid things. I just… I don’t know why this is me? Why I should be so fucking miserable, why I should be so fucked up.

It’s like when you’re a kid and you’re at the beach, you get an ice-cream and you’re so happy, over-joyed because it’s a rare treat, you’re out with your family, the sun is shining and you feel so happy just being with people… Then it goes wrong, doesn’t it? One slip up and you’ve lost the ice-cream and then you’re fucking miserable, everyone has done this at some point and it’s pretty safe to say that everyone (as a child) cried when they lost their ice-cream. The alternative is that it just melts all over your hand and leaves a horrible, sticky imprint for the rest of the day. Then the light fades into dark, the cold breeze slowly seeps in from the sea causing people to flee back to their cars only to be greeted by sand stuck all over their legs, causing discomfort and usually scratching and cutting at your skin. The day that was once perfect has turned into a sticky, cold, painful mess… Is it really all worth it?

The worst thing is that I know it’ll happen to me. My girlfriend tells me that her love is forever, that she wont leave me, she wont cheat. How can I believe that? How can I believe something so perfect when all my life I’ve been shown the opposite, everyone says these things to me. She’s not the first person to say this to me and I doubt she’ll be the last – unless something drastic happens – because It’s ridiculous, she must KNOW that she wont be with me forever, that she wont love me forever. How could she say that to me? How can anyone be SO FUCKING SURE THEY WONT FUCK ME OVER! Everyone fucks me over, nobody is fucking special, nobody is fucking perfect and nothing, that’s right, NOTHING, is forever.

Now I’m crying, do I deserve this? I know I don’t deserve this… So why does it happen to me. Why is life so cruel to me? I didn’t do anything wrong, all I want is just to be loved.

I want someone to show me what family is, what a best friend is… What love is…

It’s not something… I can’t describe it… I just want it. Something I can look at and smile.

I’m tired of looking at everyone and only seeing the pain they’ll bring me. I try so hard to hide it, to push it down and tell myself that everything will be fine and happy, everything will get better and someone will just tell me everything will be okay but I can’t hide it anymore, I can’t smile when I kiss my girlfriend… You know, the orgasm was originally called ‘The Little Death’ and… I know that’s unrelated to what I’m talking about but that’s what it’s life but… In a different context, it’s not a good thing, it’s like a piece of me dies inside because I know that all of it will just be haunted memories, stupid little endings to my stupid little life, a footnote on the grand scheme of their lives and to a lesser extent mine, not that I plan on living to experience much more of this so called ‘life’.

I can’t keep these thoughts at bay, I feel myself welling up again and I just can’t take it anymore, I just want to be loved.

I just want to be happy

but, nothing is perfect, nothing is fine, nothing is forever.

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Yanjin
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