A bit of a cross between a rant and...something else. Not sure what to call it but I haven't posted something here in a long time so I figured I would. I took out some parts of it for reasons that I won't state.

It's moments like these when I wonder, what would happen if...?

What would happen if I told you? If I spoke the words I've been hiding inside, even from myself, for so long? What will happen when I don't? It is inevitable that I should hold back these words I so long to tell you.

As the bile rises in my throat and my vision disappears, I wonder these things to myself in solitude.

Other moments-moments that seem years away now-I wonder what would happen if during my moment, the one that really counted, the faces hadn't appeared. If the flashes of face after face hadn't appeared in my mind like a slideshow of my life. Face after face after face, flashbacks to times I had long since forgotten.

I only hope that during your moment, my face appears before you and you pause, if only for a moment. A mere second is all you will need before the seed of doubt it planted. Soon it sprouts into something more and you cannot continue as you were.

As my head pounds and my tears run like raindrops down my pale face, I retreat into myself once again. I turn off the light and live in darkness. I feel comfortable here. Light only reveals things I wish to leave hidden. I may never say these things to you, even after the time has passed and I am, perhaps, by some miracle, healed. I can never relive the one moment that counted most.

Some days, during my wondering, I think I did the right thing. I wish I could preserve this feeling, and bottle it up for days like today. Because on days like today, I wish that I had not seen the faces, not planted the tiniest seed of doubt. I wish I was no longer where I am. Some days I just want to fade into the wind. The silence would be a comfort.